My heavy bruised head turned like a crane as the steady rushing water sound got louder and louder. As my vision cleared, I saw the breath-taking sight of a large tsunami heading straight for the island from far in the ocean, arriving very quickly. I turned and bolted for the tallest and sturdiest tree I could find. I violently grabbed my heavy worn out backpack off the hot sandy beach, and started to feel the powerful water hurdling towards me. The ground started to tremble and shake, like it was as nervous as I was. My feet knew what to do, but my mind was racing in five hundred different directions.
When I got half way up the nearest tree, the huge wave hit the trunk and the strong roots started to snap loudly. I could hear the faint screams of innocent tributes getting carried away into the hungry ocean. My tree started to wobble, so as a reflex, I jumped to the nearest tree, praying that it would be study enough to withstand my weight and still not fall over with the water pounding angrily at it’s trunk. When I hit the rough bark, I felt a hand pull me safely onto a branch. Before I could see who the gentle, caring tribute was, they were sliding down the tree to land on a branch a few twigs down. The tsunami backed away, looking like a whimpering dog that had given up on trying to get food off of the kitchen table. Four cannons fired, and I sighed a long, heavy breath of relief that I was not one of them. I looked up into the cloudless sky, my eyes squinting; I could almost see the gamemakers smirking to themselves as they had just put on an amazing show for the citizens of the capital. I felt like punching the tree; I was not going to be a piece in this game anymore. It was time to show these gamemakers that they can’t control me not matter how much they might try.
This piece was written very well and had a lot of sensory detail and figurative language. I think you meant sturdy in this sentence: “My tree started to wobble, so as a reflex, I jumped to the nearest tree, praying that it would be study enough to withstand my weight and still not fall over with the water pounding angrily at it’s trunk.” That was the only spelling mistake I found. However, I think one sentence was a little wordy: “I looked up into the cloudless sky, my eyes squinting; I could almost see the gamemakers smirking to themselves as they had just put on an amazing show for the citizens of the capital.” If you cut it down a little you can take out the semicolon.
I really liked the figurative language and descriptive words that you used in the first paragraph. I also liked how I could tell that this was proofread in depth to prevent errors. Another thing I liked is how you incorporated another tribute, but didn’t show or talk to them.
I really enjoyed reading your piece. You did such an amazing job with sensory details, figurative language, and good word choice. One of my favorite quotes was; “My feet knew what to do, but my mind was racing in five hundred different directions.” I really could tell what you meant by this, and many other examples of how you felt really makes the reader engage into your story more. There were a few things I would have changed though. Like this sentence; “My tree started to wobble, so as a reflex, I jumped to the nearest tree, praying that it would be study enough to withstand my weight and still not fall over with the water pounding angrily at it’s trunk. ” It should be “steady” not “study.” Overall it was a great story.