Croaks and screams filled my muffled eardrums as I rested in the treetops nearest to the ocean. Looking down was a rush of chaos and tributes mourning to survive, but looking up was a breath of fresh air and a sight of clear sky. The vibrant blue tide of poison dart frogs engulfed the bright green grass. I closed my eyes, trying to picture the wild animal book at my house that I used to read every night, and the page about the poison dart frogs. “Think Ella think,” I whispered softly to myself. Finally, my mind clicked and I remembered that although the frogs were mighty fast on land, they drown quickly and helplessly in bodies of water, no matter what the size. Sizing up the distance from my tree to the welcoming clear water, I realized that if I jumped with all of my power, I could make it safely into the ocean.
Grabbing my backpack, I realized that having all of this extra weight on me would not help when I was trying to glide into the water. I rummaged through the worn-out bag and grabbed the sleeping bag before I dropped the rest of the stuff onto the tree branch just to leave it there when I jump. “This will have to do, I can sleep on the ground for all I care.” I assured myself. Unfolding the sleeping bag, I raised it above my head, closed my eyes, and jumped just like a bird taking its first flight out of the nest. When I opened my salty eyes, I was soaring over all of the tributes and all of the deadly frogs, but in a second, they were only distant memories. Once I felt that I was far enough off of the island, I started to drop down swiftly. Soon after I realized that something small was latching onto my thigh. When I unwillingly looked down to my left leg, my heart dropped to my stomach when I saw the sight of a bright blue, beautifully poisonous dart frog.
I really liked the ending because from there, anything could happen. It could bite you, or it might not, but either way, the suspense is there and powerful. The only problem I saw was in the sentence, “Looking down was a rush of chaos and tributes mourning to survive…” I’m not sure mourning would be the best word choice there. Mourning is something that you do at a funeral or something along those lines. I think yearning, which means deeply needing something, would have fit better there. Other than that. the figurative language was great and so was the post.
I really enjoyed this post, Mollie. Your attention getter was amazing; “Croaks and screams filled my muffled eardrums as I rested in the treetops nearest to the ocean. Looking down was a rush of chaos and tributes mourning to survive, but looking up was a breath of fresh air and a sight of clear sky.” Such great use of description, it really pulled me in. If I could fix I few things I would start with this sentence; “I rummaged through the worn-out bag and grabbed the sleeping bag before I dropped the rest of the stuff onto the tree branch just to leave it there when I jump.” It is way too long. I would either make it two separate sentences or put in comma splice. I was a bit confused on what was happening though, at first I thought you just jumped down from a tree but then you say “When I opened my salty eyes, I was soaring over all of the tributes and all of the deadly frogs” That really confused me. To make it more clear you could have described it a bit more. Now I think that you can fly, hahaha. Just make it a bit more clear as to what you are trying to show the reader. But overall, it was really nice.
I enjoyed the beginning and end of this piece very much. Both were extremely powerful and descriptive. I also felt like the entire thing included a lot of detail. It made me feel like I was there with you. However, I found one sentence that I felt sounded wrong. I think this sentence, “I rummaged through the worn-out bag and grabbed the sleeping bag before I dropped the rest of my stuff onto the tree branch just to leave it there when I jump,” is a run-on. Other than that, I liked this post a lot.